My Noah,

"Your love is my fuel", That's what you said. I know what love is, don't think I don't. I know what it's like to be hurt by the person you love the most, please don't act like you're the only one who ever went through it. We all do, and most of us don't deserve it. You definitely don't. You are the ideal guy for me, and I know it. Whenever I'm sad, I think of you, and suddenly the gray clouds turn pink. I know I have something to wait for, something to live for. And it's you.

I'm scared to give you so much and to fall even more for you because I'll know everything you feel. And as much as you say everything you feel for me is pure, I know, I don't just think, that there are some dirty things you think about me. You love me because you do. Because you're not over me. Right now you think that if you had a choice, you would decide not to fall for me. But at the same time, you regret thinking that and you convince yourself this is just something we're going through and we'll end up being forever and ever. Don't think I don't know what's going through your mind. When I first saw you, I knew I would be crazy over you. I knew you are a part of my future. These things don't work with people I don't love. Sometimes I know exactly what you're feeling and thinking but very rarely since you are far away. To be honest, I like not knowing what you think. It makes everything seem pure, on the surface. Like there's no other dimension or depth to it. That's what I like about this distance, It's what I find good about it. Because I can't fight with you about something I don't know. If I was there, I would fight with you a lot because I'll know what you're thinking honey. Yet, you still fight with me. Because you need the love from me, you crave for it. And even if it's one second that you feel like you're losing me, you'll jump to get it back. Lay it back, honey, at least for now, when I'm not there. When I'm not there, try to think of the things that are good about this. Like, I've never ever found someone like you. Maybe I'm scared you're too good to be true and I hurt you. When you're scared you do the things you don't want to do. I'm scared to figure out one day maybe all of this was a lie.
AND YES, I have a boyfriend. I'm sorry. You'd like to get me to look like the bitch in this story, and I probably am, but it wasn't completely up to me. You know that. You broke my heart when I wanted you more than ever. You pushed me away when I was just loving you, you thought you were my rebound boyfriend. Fear drives us to do the things we are scared will happen. If you tell yourself that I'm just playing with your feelings, it will probably end up being like that. Because it's how you see it. And yes, it's mostly my fault for letting you feel this way. For causing this. For being alive and being this way. That you fell in love with me. It's all fear. YYou're scared of losing me, so then you get mad at me for doing these things, and those things push me away and then you might actually lose me. It's better to just set the fear aside and if it happens, well it happens. But I know that you won't lose me, so stop being afraid of it. I actually KNOW, I don't think, that we will get married. So lets not waste our time now fighting.
I love you a lot and I will forever,
your Allie.